True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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