whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
