Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
