Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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