I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
someone threw a dead crab at me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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