If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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