life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
