would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
