Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
