If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize