everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
