Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
