you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
