my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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