I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
