walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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