wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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