HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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