You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's official drugs can't kill me
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
