You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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