new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
