I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
