Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
