that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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