Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
