Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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