my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
