I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
