i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
