do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
