I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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