i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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