i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
