I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
