Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
be right there i have to get my cape
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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