Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
