Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
