I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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