This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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