you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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