why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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