TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
