he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
