I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
