I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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