What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
