go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
