haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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