dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
