I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
