Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
