If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
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i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
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That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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