now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
