Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies