By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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