I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
