Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
