New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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