I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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