I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
